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Thanks to you, I have learned that my
prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.


Because of your concern I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil
a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or
FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are
French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.


I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..


I no longer buy expensive cookies from
Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.


Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet
but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to
cause me instant death when it bites my ass.


And thanks to your great advice, I can't
ever pick up $5 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was
placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large ostrich with diarrhea
will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12
camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.


Have a wonderful day, anyway!



Thank You: click here to read the entire thread »

I just want to thank all my friends and loved ones for the
educational emails over the past year... Because of your warning I live
in a zip-lock plastic bag with clean oxygen piped in after passing
through 18 filters which are replaced each hour.


Thanks to you, I no longer open a public
bathroom door without using a paper towel.


I can't use the remote in a hotel room
because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping
through the channels.


I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last
washed.


I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on
my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all
kinds of nasty germs including feces.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone
who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking your nose.


Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt
trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have
consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she
has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I must send my special thanks to whoever
sent me the one about p**p in the glue on envelopes because I now have
to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every
can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave
it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for
the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL
are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program ...


I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena will
grant my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.






Thank You: click here to read the entire thread »

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should
He try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought
About this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more
Than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to
Arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and
Poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew
Intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to
Address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen
That only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would
Cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among
All of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick
Would work as the antidote
To cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned
Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the
Antidote for the itching powder, which he put into
His mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked
Passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent
Breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left
Satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding
His payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now
Satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that
Horatio could never report this matter to the King and
With a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the
Same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick





Once Upon A Time: click here to read the entire thread »

My NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT.....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS.

We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.

Please don't be a bore & ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know including the person that sent it to you.

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.

Here is your dose of humor...

A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family & co-workers.

Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you



so they know you participated.










And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far & wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer!

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names....

So:-

1. Use the third letter of your first name to
determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dink y
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = b atty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscui ts
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject.

And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day.





Put more laughter into your day










Fricken Snicklelips: click here to read the entire thread »

That would maybe get you a one bedroom. You're looking at $1500 up for more bedrooms. You may get cheaper rents outside of Vancouver


Vancouver: click here to read the entire thread »

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:

Bump...

BUMP...


BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him


FASTER...


FASTER...



BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.



Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!


Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



and,


(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





The coffin stops .







Halloween Walk: click here to read the entire thread »

I don't think it really means anything, ( I apologise if it does) I think it is kind of a personal signature.

I used to sign posts in another site: still laffing


laff


click clicks: click here to read the entire thread »

mychelle is very kind yet invisible


Say Something: click here to read the entire thread »

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room
and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....




MY LIVING WILL : click here to read the entire thread »

Woooooooooo hoooooooooooooo I'm a Superstar, for what about 1-2 seconds? lol


THE LAST PERSON TO POST HERE IS A SUPERSTAR....4!: click here to read the entire thread »

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink

I feel shame . Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes

and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out

of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their

dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell

happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they

wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're

going to feel all day. '

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,

smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,

we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

get drunk and go to heaven!'

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Without question, the greatest invention in the

history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the

wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does

not go nearly as well with pizza.'

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the ' Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowe st brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not ____________________



The Value of a Drink : click here to read the entire thread »

pedators? too many people walking around? looking for sheep?


Australian Ventriloquist: click here to read the entire thread »

about the above poster. can be nice or funny, but no rudeness please


Say Something: click here to read the entire thread »

This is a great story, will be passing this one on.

:)


a story sent to me..wanted to share it: click here to read the entire thread »

No sheep on your farm right Loner?


Australian Ventriloquist: click here to read the entire thread »

The Indian With One Testicle







There once was an Indian who had only one testicle



And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that



Name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.




After years and years of torment, Onestone finally



Cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone



Again I will kill them!'




The word got around and nobody called



Him that any more.



Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird



Forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He



Jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into



The forest where he made love to her all day and



All night. He made love to her all the next day,



Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.



The word got around that Onestone meant what



He promised he would do. Years went by and no



One dared call him by his given name until A woman



Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being



Away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was



Overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him



And said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'




Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,



Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all



Night, made love to her all the next day, made love to



Her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!











Why ???











OH, come on... Take a guess !!!











Think about it !!!











You're going to love this !!!











Everyone knows...





You can't kill Two Birds





With OneStone!!!



Onestone: click here to read the entire thread »

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.



He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi



'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......!!'




Australian Ventriloquist: click here to read the entire thread »

I believe it is the Canadian perspective of world war 1 or 2 not sure which one. Based on true facts. I've heard that Paul Gross's grandfather served in this war.


Passchendaele: click here to read the entire thread »

warning, not for the queasy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QnfMONhsIU


Girl on Bike: click here to read the entire thread »